Wikstrom of the Kalos Elite Four

This dude showed up in a suit of goddamn armor

How heavy must one's balls be, to do something like that? To show up to a Pokemon battle in full plate, with gold trim no less. How large and ponderous must such testicles be, to go so far as to get special gold-plated pokeballs and wear a little golden star on your forehead, only for a Pokemon battle.

It's a sort of paradox - the kind of person who would wear something like this, is the kind of person who doesn't need armor in the first place. I mean, as cool as all the other Elite Four people are, don't they all look like they weren't even trying compared to Wikstrom? "What's that, you put on an apron? I put on a motherfucking suit of armor, get out of my face."

His head is like something from an Osamu Tezuka work, and his swag is at unmentionable levels. I'm sure he owns a kickass helm, and the only reason he didn't wear it is because he wanted everyone to see the little star he glued to his forehead. Why'd he do that? That's just what he's daring you to ask. And if you do, he'll pick you up under one arm and shake you until you either throw up or piss yourself.

I mean, at this point, is the Pokemon battle even really necessary? All you can prove is that you can train your monsters to beat up his, whatever. He's still beaten you in the game of "being a goddamn Knight". The only way to get on his level is to show up with your own suit of armor, and that's just sadly not possible in this game.


Overall: 10/10

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