No. 763: Tsareena

T  H  I  C  C

I don't really know what to say anymore. We clearly passed the point of no return a while ago, yet Gamefreak wanted to keep going. So here we are. A fucking dominatrix plant Pokemon, with boots that come up past the knee, bizarre fleshy lumps that constitute the most gratuitous hips since the mom in Dexter's Laboratory, and evolving only after learning "Stomp", so that it can learn its signature move, another stomping attack?

Tsareena is a Queen in multiple senses of the word, from the name (Tsarina is the feminine version of Tsar or Czar) to the little crown to the S&M connotation. Look, you've made a Digimon here, is what you've done. Call it Stompmon, or something else as equally obvious and banal. But don't call it a Pokemon.

Though more importantly, where the hell is all this shit coming from? What happened in the upper echelons of Gamefreak to make them decide to churn out Primarina, Salazzle, and Tsareena all at once, coming fast on the heels of Mega Lopunny and Mega Gardevoir? Did somebody over there discover Deviantart for the first time and realize they have a huge untapped audience of Poke-Perverts? Is it caused by sunspots? El Niño? Something Russia is doing? help me out here, people


Anyway, Tsareena's design motifs throw me for a loop, and it looks damn silly resting its hands on the flotation ring of butt-cheeks it's wearing. Ain't even no torso, thing goes right from the hips to the neck. Also, wanting to be stepped on is a shitty fetish. That's right, I'm kink-shaming. Tune in next week for Not All Kinks Are Created Equal.


Overall: 3/10

(ps - do not tune in next week for NAKACE because it doesn't exist)

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