No. 758: Salazzle


Gamefreak isn't even being subtle anymore. If Salandit was a nudge and a wink, then Salazzle is basically reaching down into your pants and grabbing a handful. They want you to sex up this lizard. It's got a goddamn porn-star-tier pelvis tattoo pointing at its crotch, and another cupping the "bust". Thankfully, they showed some restraint and didn't make us reconsider our entire lives by introducing reptile-titties to the Pokemon world, but it's already too much. Salazzle poses like Nicki Minaj and spits unbearable toxic sludge from her mouth like Nicki Minaj.

Oh, and the Pokedex entry helpfully mentions that it creates "reverse-harems of male Salandit", which honestly ought to get it put on some sort of sexual predator list, right? Or do they not have those in Alola? That would explain a lot about Lusamine, actually.

BUT, all of that aside, Salazzle is hands-down my favorite Pokemon of this generation. She's rocking a slick color scheme, and instead of the random color bands of earlier gens, the accents form distinct patterns. As far as badass ladies go, Salazzle is right up there with Sarah Connor in Terminator 2.

If I wanted to make complaints about this Strong Independent Poison/Fire Pokemon who don't need no man, it would just be that 5 fingers and toes makes it look a little cluttered. There's a reason most cartoons stop at 4, if not 3. But that's not enough to make me dock any points from my big beautiful badass bae.

Overall: 10/10

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